Halloween Safety Tips for Parents of Black Children

• Let’s get cooking!  Parents may be spending more time in the kitchen at this time of year, even though there may be fewer folks over.  Without the pressure of laying out a big spread for a large number of people, this can be an opportunity to teach family recipes, experiment with new dishes, or just invite your kids into the kitchen while you cook.  It’s even okay if they just have a seat and watch what is going on in the kitchen.   They pick up more than you might think just by watching. And, time in the kitchen together can be an opportunity to have a no-agenda conversation with your kids.  There are some helpful age-appropriate ideas about cooking with kids here.

• Learn some family history.  Many of the senior members of our families may have more time to themselves during the Holidays this year.  This is a perfect opportunity to get these relatives on a video call or sit down with them if they are in your household and learn some family history through an informal question and answer session.  Kids can let their relatives know the questions beforehand so they have a chance to think about the answers.   They may even have some pictures and clippings to share that the kids might not otherwise have seen.  Kids can ask older relatives about growing up, what was going on at the time in the country and in the world, what they did during the Holidays when they were kids, how they met their life partners, how they chose a career, etc. It would be great to have the child write a summary of the interview and share it with the relative interviewed as well as other members of the family.

• Volunteer!  The need for volunteers has only intensified during the pandemic as many families have experienced difficult economic, social and medical and social circumstances. There are numerous ways to volunteer that are safe and appropriate for children and teens. Nonprofit organizations have been creative and adept at developing ways to keep volunteers safe.  Many activities can be done from home or done virtually. And it is easy to go through closets and drawers at home to collect sample toiletries, winter clothing, toys and other items to donate.  Children can even do a clothing, toy and/or food drive in their neighborhood and then arrange for drop-off or pick-up. Food drives are particularly needed due to food insecurity among many more families.  There are some good ideas here about volunteer activities appropriate for these times.

• Practice manners and etiquette.  Increased at-home time could be a good opportunity to practice how to set a table, engage in appropriate dinner conversation and use good table manners.  These are useful life skills that must be taught and practiced so they become habits. In a smaller family dinner setting, there may be more opportunities to go over these things without embarrassing or pressuring a child.

• List some of the unexpected good things that have come out of quarantine.  We all know the downsides of quarantine.  But there have also been a few surprise good things that have come out of this situation.   For example, many of us know our neighbors better.  Remote work and school have afforded more flexible schedules and allowed parents and children to spend more time together.  While more togetherness can be difficult at times, it can also strengthen family ties and draw us closer.  Children may have learned a new hobby, refined a developing skill, or read more books.  The point of this list is to get kids thinking more positively about their circumstances and what they might want to do in the remainder of quarantine and in some cases, continue when it’s over.

• I am grateful for…  This year it is especially important for parents and kids to identify and say out loud the things they have to be grateful for even in these uncertain times. Doing this can give kids a greater sense of control over their lives and put the things they have missed or lost in a different perspective.  It can be particularly useful for kids to hear more senior members of the family talk about what they are grateful for.  Often it is the simple things that we take for granted that older family members have learned to appreciate.

If you have other ideas, we would love for you to share them and tell other Beccastone readers how those activities worked for your family.

Note: Beccastone originally spoke to Dr. Poussaint in the wake of the killing of 17-year old Trayvon Martin in Florida in 2012.  Dr. Poussaint’s words of advice are equally relevant today as parents try to help kids grapple with racial issues and the continuing violence against Black people.

Beccastone: At what age do you recommend that you first talk to a child about race and why?

Dr. Poussaint: The best time to talk is when your child asks questions, and you don’t know when that will come. Children become conscious of differences at ages 4 or 5. They begin to notice differences in skin color and what that means. They may not see much significance at first, but if they pick up things at home that indicate different attitudes toward people who have different characteristics, they may have questions. It will depend on how parents talk at home.

There has been a lot of media attention on the Trayvon Martin killing and violence against Black people. Kids as young as 3 or 4 may pick up something. They may hear parents or adults talking about racial profiling and racial discrimination. They may ask, “What happened to him, Mom? Why did they do that?” So parents have a tough job.

I suggest that parents try to be balanced and talk about how some people in every group have evil, angry thoughts and that this particular person or group of people may have had an evil motivation in shooting the boy.  You can talk about how it will go to the court to decide what happened. You should talk in a language your child can understand.

One thing parents should not do is give their child the impression that all whites are potentially dangerous to Black people. If your child becomes scared of all white people, it will affect the child in school, in the street, and his whole sense of trust in society. You want to say that in all groups, there are some people who are not nice and have mean attitudes, but the bulk of people in any group are good people. Prejudice and discrimination exists in American society, but it also exists in many other societies and we should try to get rid of it everywhere.

You have to remember that even at age 4, a kid doesn’t have a blank slate entirely. A child is affected by the kind of neighborhood he lives in. Is it all black or multi-cultural? Is it low income, or suburban middle class? When my son was about 6, I took him to tennis lessons in a park in a Black neighborhood. He asked me one day, “Daddy, how come only Black people are poor?” It was something he picked up, because I had never driven him to neighborhoods where there are poor white people. He also went to school where the white kids he knew were primarily upper and middle class. So it’s understandable that he thought poverty was confined to Black people. We had a long talk, and he understood. But if he had not raised that question, he may have kept it in his head that only Black people are poor.

BS: Do you think parents should initiate a conversation about the Trayvon Martin case?

Dr. Poussaint: You can start a conversation with an older child, maybe 11 and up, but probably not with a child as young as 5 or 6. The best approach with kids is to find out what they already know. Ask them if they’ve heard anyone talking about anything in Florida or about a person dying in Florida, ask what his friends are talking about. There are so many things on television that we don’t know what they have been exposed to. It is also possible that even older children may not want to discuss the case or don’t understand it. You have to respect their right not to want to talk about it. It may make them uncomfortable — the idea that someone got shot because they are Black. There are times in the news where a Black person hurts a white person, and we should discuss whether that is racial or not.

BS: How can parents help a child develop a positive self-image?

Dr. Poussaint: I know Black girls who only have blonde Barbie dolls given to them by their parents or friends of the parents. If they are given only white dolls and these dolls are considered pretty, the child may pick up that there is something wrong with them, their skin, hair color and texture. The more common thing I have heard over the years is that little girls say, “I want to have long blonde hair.” The parents get concerned that the child will develop a negative image. So we have to be aware of the dolls that we give to our children. Parents have to intervene. A child needs reinforcement that their skin or hair is beautiful as it is, without overdoing it. Parents have to be careful whom they say is “pretty”. If parents refer only to fair-skinned children with straight hair as “pretty”, the dark brown child will pick up on these cues and begin to feel that she is not as beautiful.

The kinds of books that you read to your kids are important too — are there different characters and different kingdoms? Are the books about multi-racial families and neighborhoods? There are many good books out there, so there is no reason for a Black kid to have books with only white characters. That sends a message about who is important and who is not. The same is true with television. There are many stereotypes in television shows. Encourage programs like Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer that value people of different backgrounds and have special things to contribute to the community.

BS: What can parents do when there’s a racial incident at school?

Dr. Poussaint: It depends on what the racial incident is — subtle or overt? If a kid calls a black kid the N word, that’s extreme. It may be that the kid who did the name-calling didn’t know what that meant and they were just imitating someone. But that’s still not acceptable. Both parents and teachers need to take responsibility. The parents must talk with their child and explain that there is something wrong with the kid who used that word, not you, and you should never accept anyone calling you that name. I would encourage kids now to immediately report it to the teacher. Teachers are under an obligation to pay attention to this kind of incident.

I recommend that before any racial incidents occur, schools should put in place a process to deal with these kinds of incidents. A lot of this is multi-layered and complicated, so I think schools should have a standing committee that deals with multi-cultural issues. The committee should be made up of teachers, students, parents/PTA and school administrative staff. There should be policies in place so that when something happens, it will go directly to the on-going committee.

The committee should handle not just incidents but also work to promote real diversity in the school. The school’s standing committee should be made up of people from different cultures — Black, Asian, Hispanic, white. Also, as a practical approach, look at the pictures of important people/role models on the walls of the school. Are they mostly white? Is there a fair representation of all the groups? It affects students walking into a room or down a hall to see faces of many races on the walls. Make the rooms and walls multi-cultural.

Rather than operating only in a crisis mode, the committee should have positive activities that would enhance the school’s sense of diversity. Have a multi-cultural day. Do special activities around Martin Luther King Day. Invite special speakers. Bring in dance groups or musicians from other countries/cultures. Let’s deal with the enrichment side of multi-culturalism. The curriculum should be balanced in what is taught. Don’t leave out Native Americans and how we treated them. The committee needs to monitor the whole school. With demographics changing so rapidly, you need to have these standing committees in place and looking at issues constantly. And kids will feel better if they know a school has a committee that deals directly with these issues.

Another suggestion is that if schools have an organization that is for one specific group, such as a Black health organization, it is open to anyone interested in Black health, and is not just for Blacks. That’s how you teach cultural competence — not being afraid of each other but learning from each other.

BS: Do you have any views on how parents should approach the use of the “N-word” in certain music lyrics?

Dr. Poussaint: Kids pick up stuff from television, movies, and videos. They see the adults doing it, and they figure that since adults know what they are doing, it must be ok. So when kids hear the “N” word used constantly in videos, the kids think it’s OK. I think it’s unacceptable. That word is a negative word that you cannot make positive. The term is derogatory and says you’re no good. You cannot spin it in a good way. You cannot erase the negativity. And what about the white kids who hear it? They think it’s acceptable because they hear Blacks use the “N” word all the time, so it must be okay. But when white kids use the “N” word, it comes across as prejudice.

Parents should definitely take the position that the “N” word is unacceptable. They should tell their kids that they are not to use such language and they should not accept such language. The “N” word also demeans the relationship between the sexes. If they are willing to accept the “N” word, then they are more likely to accept “bitches” and “ho’s.” When the rappers are using the words “bitches” and “ho’s,” ask yourself, what does that say about how they think of women? What does that say about you and how you think of yourself? Do you feel you should be with guys who call you those kinds of names? Do you want to be dominated? Do you think that makes you authentically Black?

If blacks, whites, all kids say “I’m not going to buy this kind of music,” then maybe some of the rappers will start to pay attention.

Dr. Alvin Poussaint, now retired, was a Professor of Psychiatry and Faculty Associate Dean for Student Affairs at Harvard Medical School in Boston, Mass. Dr. Poussaint is a nationally recognized expert on race relations in America, the dynamics of prejudice, and issues of diversity. He has written many books (for example, Lay My Burden Down: Suicide and the Mental Health Crisis Among African Americans (with Amy Alexander) ; Come on People: On the Path from Victims to Victors (with Bill Cosby); and Raising Black Children (with Dr. James Comer)) and hundreds of articles, and is the recipient of numerous awards and honorary degrees. 

Parents should teach children to be mindful of their interactions and online behavior so they have positive and safe online profiles.  This includes teaching them how to keep their accounts private, how not to over-share online or create a misleading online identity, how to spot potentially dangerous or risky connections, and how to communicate appropriately online.   

Here are seven things for parents to keep in mind as they talk to their child about social media use. 

1. Minimum Age.  Children must be 13 or older to sign up for social media accounts.  That is the law, and kids below that age should not be on social media. But even some 13-year olds may not be ready for the responsibilities of social media use.  If you think your kid isn’t ready, you should tell them and perhaps set some goals that they would have to meet to show they are ready. 
2. Do Your Research.  If parents are not already users of the social media platforms their kids want to use, they should become users and take the time to learn and understand the purposes and features of the platforms.  This means that even if a parent is already a user, if they do not already know, they should thoroughly familiarize themselves with all features and functions of the platforms their kids want to use. Parents should discuss with their child what each platform does, who uses the platform, how it is used, and what pages and services it has.  This may better equip a child to make good decisions about what to say and how to say it, as well as to avoid certain pages or services. 
3. Private Accounts Only.  Tell your kids that their accounts must be private not public, and that they should accept only friend requests or follow requests from people they know. Ask them to let you know if they keep getting requests from strangers.
4. Follow Your Kids (and Their Friends).  Tell your child that you are going to follow their accounts and their friends’ social media accounts.  Then actually do what you said and see what your child and their friends are posting. Try to figure out if their friends are age appropriate and posting about age appropriate subjects. Give them room, but stay aware.
5. No Secret Passwords. Ideally parents should know their child’s passwords. But kids may feel this is an invasion of their privacy, and they may not want to share their passwords.  If your child feels this way, you can probably learn what you need to know by monitoring your child’s and their friends’ posts on a regular basis and discussing with them anything you see that is inappropriate. 
6. Manage Usage. Social media is designed to engage its users, but it should not be an all-day activity.  Establish limits on social media usage even if  active parental enforcement of those limits may be difficult.  At least you will have discussed how social media intentionally entices persistent use and why there is a need for self-imposed limits.  
7. Encourage Constructive Use of Social Media. Help your child find peers online who share their interests or post about things they are interested in.  If your child wants to learn more about particular subjects, there may also be experts who are posting about those topics.  

It’s hard to talk to kids about these sorrows in normal times.  In these pandemic times, it can be  overwhelming for both parents and kids.  

How can we protect our kids and help them cope?  How can we give them some hope so that anger doesn’t overtake them? The words of civil rights veteran and award-winning journalist Charlayne Hunter-Gault from a series of video clips on the Beccastone Channel below might give parents some ideas. As she talks about what got her through some of the toughest times when she desegregated the University of Georgia, Charlayne offers food for thought on race, faith, activism and the ongoing struggle for justice and equality.   

There is no one right answer and what works for one family may or may not work in another.  However, there are many arguments against physical discipline. A recent study suggests that it feeds into a cycle of violence and teaches that violence is the first, best means of conflict resolution. And that very well may be true. But there are also times when figuring out what kind of discipline works is a real challenge.  What to do then?  A couple of thoughts:

• Buy some time.  Try not to react when you are angry and may be a little out of control yourself.  If the situation demands immediate attention, try to remove the child and yourself from the scene and give everyone some time to calm down before taking any corrective action.  This can also give you a chance to think about the best way to respond.
• Describe the problematic behavior and talk about the line that was crossed.  The child should clearly understand why some penalty must be incurred.
• Use a firm, strong but calm tone of voice when talking to the child about his behavior.  Yelling makes anyone, children included, turn away from listening and makes it easier to dismiss what you’re saying.  Plus, raising your voice invariably provokes the child to raise her voice in response.
• Corporal punishment should not be the first, go-to solution. Talk it out, for as long as you can. Try other approaches such as revoking privileges, taking away favorite activities, requiring some form of activity that consumes free time, such as community service, added chores or helping neighbors or relatives.
• Shaming a child or demeaning them in front of others usually doesn’t solve anything; rather this can build resentment and distrust.

Please share what positive discipline has worked for you and your family by posting a comment. Figuring out the right disciplinary response is one of the most difficult and challenging areas for parents and it helps kids and parents alike to hear what works.