• Let’s get cooking!  Parents may be spending more time in the kitchen at this time of year, even though there may be fewer folks over.  Without the pressure of laying out a big spread for a large number of people, this can be an opportunity to teach family recipes, experiment with new dishes, or just invite your kids into the kitchen while you cook.  It’s even okay if they just have a seat and watch what is going on in the kitchen.   They pick up more than you might think just by watching. And, time in the kitchen together can be an opportunity to have a no-agenda conversation with your kids.  There are some helpful age-appropriate ideas about cooking with kids here.

• Learn some family history.  Many of the senior members of our families may have more time to themselves during the Holidays this year.  This is a perfect opportunity to get these relatives on a video call or sit down with them if they are in your household and learn some family history through an informal question and answer session.  Kids can let their relatives know the questions beforehand so they have a chance to think about the answers.   They may even have some pictures and clippings to share that the kids might not otherwise have seen.  Kids can ask older relatives about growing up, what was going on at the time in the country and in the world, what they did during the Holidays when they were kids, how they met their life partners, how they chose a career, etc. It would be great to have the child write a summary of the interview and share it with the relative interviewed as well as other members of the family.

• Volunteer!  The need for volunteers has only intensified during the pandemic as many families have experienced difficult economic, social and medical and social circumstances. There are numerous ways to volunteer that are safe and appropriate for children and teens. Nonprofit organizations have been creative and adept at developing ways to keep volunteers safe.  Many activities can be done from home or done virtually. And it is easy to go through closets and drawers at home to collect sample toiletries, winter clothing, toys and other items to donate.  Children can even do a clothing, toy and/or food drive in their neighborhood and then arrange for drop-off or pick-up. Food drives are particularly needed due to food insecurity among many more families.  There are some good ideas here about volunteer activities appropriate for these times.

• Practice manners and etiquette.  Increased at-home time could be a good opportunity to practice how to set a table, engage in appropriate dinner conversation and use good table manners.  These are useful life skills that must be taught and practiced so they become habits. In a smaller family dinner setting, there may be more opportunities to go over these things without embarrassing or pressuring a child.

• List some of the unexpected good things that have come out of quarantine.  We all know the downsides of quarantine.  But there have also been a few surprise good things that have come out of this situation.   For example, many of us know our neighbors better.  Remote work and school have afforded more flexible schedules and allowed parents and children to spend more time together.  While more togetherness can be difficult at times, it can also strengthen family ties and draw us closer.  Children may have learned a new hobby, refined a developing skill, or read more books.  The point of this list is to get kids thinking more positively about their circumstances and what they might want to do in the remainder of quarantine and in some cases, continue when it’s over.

• I am grateful for…  This year it is especially important for parents and kids to identify and say out loud the things they have to be grateful for even in these uncertain times. Doing this can give kids a greater sense of control over their lives and put the things they have missed or lost in a different perspective.  It can be particularly useful for kids to hear more senior members of the family talk about what they are grateful for.  Often it is the simple things that we take for granted that older family members have learned to appreciate.

If you have other ideas, we would love for you to share them and tell other Beccastone readers how those activities worked for your family.

Roger W. Ferguson Jr. is President and CEO of Teachers Insurance and Annuities Association and the College Retirement Equities Fund (TIAA). TIAA is the leading retirement provider for people who work in academic, medical, governmental, research and cultural fields.

As parents, we all want the best for our children. But while we rightly focus on things like school, music lessons, and sports, there’s one area we often overlook: our kids’ financial education. Teaching your kids to be financially savvy is a gift – and it’s one that will keep on giving throughout the course of their lives. By engaging in regular, constructive conversations about money matters, you can put your children on the path to success. The earlier you start, the better.

At TIAA, we are a financial services organization that is passionate about helping people boost their financial knowledge at every stage of life. We know, because it’s been shown in research, that having a strong foundation of financial knowledge clearly helps people achieve financial well-being. That’s why we are deeply committed to raising our nation’s level of what’s known as “financial literacy” so that people can make informed and effective decisions about money matters. We believe there’s no better time to build that knowledge than during childhood.

I recommend taking these steps.

Teach your kids to save, save, save.

The old adage, “save for a rainy day,” is worth repeating. Open a savings account with your child. Most banks require only a small minimum balance to establish children’s accounts. Then talk with your kids about the interest they’ll earn from their savings, and encourage them to continue building their savings by regularly adding a portion of their own money from allowances, their earnings from pet sitting or other jobs, and gifts.

Encourage goal-setting.

Kids generally like to talk about what they want. Setting financial goals, such as purchasing a toy, or reaching a dollar amount, can motivate your kids to save.

Explain the power of earning.

Children often think their parents are money machines. To teach them how to earn money, consider giving allowances as a reward for completed chores, great grades or good deeds. As you hand them the money, explain that once it’s gone, you won’t replace it.

For older kids, starting a business, such as pet sitting or lawn care, can also offer valuable hands-on lessons about earning.

Teach money management.

Make sure that your elementary school-age kids learn the value of various coins and bills. They should know how to pay for purchases and make change.

Take your children shopping with you and show them how to compare prices and quality, and to apply discounts and coupons to save money. Point out to them how taxes are added to the cost of goods, and take the opportunity to explain what taxes are and what they are used for. If you use a credit card, discuss how to use it responsibly.

Help them create a budget.

A budget can help kids learn to prioritize needs over wants. Using an electronic spreadsheet or piece of paper, help your children develop a budget by recording their monthly earnings and spending. Then show them how to project the amount they’ll earn in the next few months and plan for what they will likely spend it on.

Take the mystery out of investing.

The earlier you teach your kids about investing, chances are the more adept they’ll be at saving for the long-term. If you don’t know much about investing yourself, then do research together, or schedule a meeting with a financial advisor and take your child along.

You and your child can also research possible investments together. Ask your children what kinds of businesses sound interesting to them, and then do research to see if those businesses might make good investments. If possible, buy a few shares of stock and get your child to join you in watching what happens.

Although retirement is a long way off, encourage older children to establish an IRA (Individual Retirement Account) with their earnings and your help. Imagine how much they would have in retirement if they started saving as teenagers!

Like I said, we all want the best for our kids. Helping them understand the basics of financial matters can go a long way toward making sure they have a bright future.

The material is for informational purposes only and should not be regarded as a recommendation or an offer to buy or sell any product or service to which this information may relate. Certain products and services may not be available to all entities or persons.

TIAA Individual & Institutional Services, LLC, and Teachers Personal Investors Services, Inc., members FINRA, distribute securities products. Teachers Insurance and Annuity Association-College Retirement Equities Fund, 730 Third Avenue New York, NY. 10017

Academics

“This is really basic, but read the syllabus thoroughly and really understand it. Listen when the professor goes over it.  It may not seem that important, but this is what tells you things like how the professor is going to grade, what she is going to take points off for, required and optional course reading, when things are due, and the professor’s office hours.  If it’s in the syllabus, you have to know it, and there are no excuses if you don’t.”

“I recommend that kids figure out early on what activities they are interested in and then pick some to fill up their schedule, especially if they are not athletes who have built-in practice and competition schedules.  The busier students seemed to be more organized because they had more stuff to do so they had to set aside a certain amount of time for school work.  It’s the students who had a lot of free time on their hands that did the least studying and got into the most trouble.”

“Pick a seat in your classes where you can hear and follow what is going on. You don’t have to be in the first row but you want to be visible and you want the professor to notice you.”

“Grades are important and you shouldn’t let anyone tell you differently. Employers look at grades and grad schools look at grades and that’s just a fact because grades are an objective measure.  And grades are important from the beginning.  I know a lot of kids who fooled around freshman and sophomore years and then decided to start working harder in their junior year and it was basically too late for them to really improve their grade point average.”

“I think you should take your core requirements during your first and second years and get them out of the way and get exposed to a lot of different areas.  Don’t pick a major until second semester sophomore year.  I knew a lot of kids who picked a major early and it didn’t work out and they ended up having to take extra time to get in all the core courses.”

“Experiment with scheduling your classes at different times to see what works best for you in terms of preparation and study time.  Initially, on my parents’ advice, I scheduled everything in the morning but after taking an afternoon class, I found out that I was better prepared because I could use the morning to study.  After that, I tried to schedule more afternoon and evening classes.”

“Get your textbooks electronically if you can.  They are easier to carry around with you and you can still highlight the passages.  As an English major, I also could have gotten a lot of required classic texts for free electronically as opposed to paying for them and then not wanting to lug them around anyway.”

“Look regularly at the school bulletin boards–both electronic and physical bulletin boards around the campus.  You can find out a lot about what recruiters are coming, what is happening on campus, meetings you would like to attend just by checking out the bulletin boards.  Also, always, check your school email and your school mailbox to make sure you don’t miss anything important.”

The Social Scene

“Try to have a diverse group of friends.  I don’t think you have to be best friends with everyone but this is a unique time to meet a lot of different kinds of people and learn how they approach things.  I think back and I wish had made more non-Black friends.”

“You don’t need to get it poppin’ the first year. You will be there for 4 years and what you do will follow you for 4 years.  Take your time and get the lay of the land when it comes to dating and see what people are really like.”

“The ‘Freshman 15’ is real.  Just because there are soda machines everywhere and your dorm mates are getting take-out and pizza all the time doesn’t mean you have to eat those things too.  Also, be nice to the cafeteria people.  You might need them to let you in late sometimes or get you something special to eat.”

“Be careful about how much time you spend in other people’s dorm rooms.  You can get a reputation without even doing anything just because people talk and make assumptions.

Career and Jobs

“Take advantage of career services from the beginning and get to know the people there.  They get paid to help you.  The better they know you, the better they can help you.  Don’t wait until your senior year to see what career services has to offer.”

“You have 3 summers to try things before you have to decide on a job or grad school.  Try different things each summer so you have a better idea of what to do after college. Don’t wait until senior year to think about your career. You can also see if there are opportunities in the area where you go to school to shadow mentors at their jobs.  It doesn’t cost the employers anything if you shadow for a couple of days and you can get insight into another career option.”

“Get involved in the community where your school is located.  It’s a good way to give back and you can get good experience. I got involved in local politics and it gave me experience and references that led to summer jobs and internships elsewhere.”

Note: Beccastone originally spoke to Dr. Poussaint in the wake of the killing of 17-year old Trayvon Martin in Florida in 2012.  Dr. Poussaint’s words of advice are equally relevant today as parents try to help kids grapple with racial issues and the continuing violence against Black people.

Beccastone: At what age do you recommend that you first talk to a child about race and why?

Dr. Poussaint: The best time to talk is when your child asks questions, and you don’t know when that will come. Children become conscious of differences at ages 4 or 5. They begin to notice differences in skin color and what that means. They may not see much significance at first, but if they pick up things at home that indicate different attitudes toward people who have different characteristics, they may have questions. It will depend on how parents talk at home.

There has been a lot of media attention on the Trayvon Martin killing and violence against Black people. Kids as young as 3 or 4 may pick up something. They may hear parents or adults talking about racial profiling and racial discrimination. They may ask, “What happened to him, Mom? Why did they do that?” So parents have a tough job.

I suggest that parents try to be balanced and talk about how some people in every group have evil, angry thoughts and that this particular person or group of people may have had an evil motivation in shooting the boy.  You can talk about how it will go to the court to decide what happened. You should talk in a language your child can understand.

One thing parents should not do is give their child the impression that all whites are potentially dangerous to Black people. If your child becomes scared of all white people, it will affect the child in school, in the street, and his whole sense of trust in society. You want to say that in all groups, there are some people who are not nice and have mean attitudes, but the bulk of people in any group are good people. Prejudice and discrimination exists in American society, but it also exists in many other societies and we should try to get rid of it everywhere.

You have to remember that even at age 4, a kid doesn’t have a blank slate entirely. A child is affected by the kind of neighborhood he lives in. Is it all black or multi-cultural? Is it low income, or suburban middle class? When my son was about 6, I took him to tennis lessons in a park in a Black neighborhood. He asked me one day, “Daddy, how come only Black people are poor?” It was something he picked up, because I had never driven him to neighborhoods where there are poor white people. He also went to school where the white kids he knew were primarily upper and middle class. So it’s understandable that he thought poverty was confined to Black people. We had a long talk, and he understood. But if he had not raised that question, he may have kept it in his head that only Black people are poor.

BS: Do you think parents should initiate a conversation about the Trayvon Martin case?

Dr. Poussaint: You can start a conversation with an older child, maybe 11 and up, but probably not with a child as young as 5 or 6. The best approach with kids is to find out what they already know. Ask them if they’ve heard anyone talking about anything in Florida or about a person dying in Florida, ask what his friends are talking about. There are so many things on television that we don’t know what they have been exposed to. It is also possible that even older children may not want to discuss the case or don’t understand it. You have to respect their right not to want to talk about it. It may make them uncomfortable — the idea that someone got shot because they are Black. There are times in the news where a Black person hurts a white person, and we should discuss whether that is racial or not.

BS: How can parents help a child develop a positive self-image?

Dr. Poussaint: I know Black girls who only have blonde Barbie dolls given to them by their parents or friends of the parents. If they are given only white dolls and these dolls are considered pretty, the child may pick up that there is something wrong with them, their skin, hair color and texture. The more common thing I have heard over the years is that little girls say, “I want to have long blonde hair.” The parents get concerned that the child will develop a negative image. So we have to be aware of the dolls that we give to our children. Parents have to intervene. A child needs reinforcement that their skin or hair is beautiful as it is, without overdoing it. Parents have to be careful whom they say is “pretty”. If parents refer only to fair-skinned children with straight hair as “pretty”, the dark brown child will pick up on these cues and begin to feel that she is not as beautiful.

The kinds of books that you read to your kids are important too — are there different characters and different kingdoms? Are the books about multi-racial families and neighborhoods? There are many good books out there, so there is no reason for a Black kid to have books with only white characters. That sends a message about who is important and who is not. The same is true with television. There are many stereotypes in television shows. Encourage programs like Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer that value people of different backgrounds and have special things to contribute to the community.

BS: What can parents do when there’s a racial incident at school?

Dr. Poussaint: It depends on what the racial incident is — subtle or overt? If a kid calls a black kid the N word, that’s extreme. It may be that the kid who did the name-calling didn’t know what that meant and they were just imitating someone. But that’s still not acceptable. Both parents and teachers need to take responsibility. The parents must talk with their child and explain that there is something wrong with the kid who used that word, not you, and you should never accept anyone calling you that name. I would encourage kids now to immediately report it to the teacher. Teachers are under an obligation to pay attention to this kind of incident.

I recommend that before any racial incidents occur, schools should put in place a process to deal with these kinds of incidents. A lot of this is multi-layered and complicated, so I think schools should have a standing committee that deals with multi-cultural issues. The committee should be made up of teachers, students, parents/PTA and school administrative staff. There should be policies in place so that when something happens, it will go directly to the on-going committee.

The committee should handle not just incidents but also work to promote real diversity in the school. The school’s standing committee should be made up of people from different cultures — Black, Asian, Hispanic, white. Also, as a practical approach, look at the pictures of important people/role models on the walls of the school. Are they mostly white? Is there a fair representation of all the groups? It affects students walking into a room or down a hall to see faces of many races on the walls. Make the rooms and walls multi-cultural.

Rather than operating only in a crisis mode, the committee should have positive activities that would enhance the school’s sense of diversity. Have a multi-cultural day. Do special activities around Martin Luther King Day. Invite special speakers. Bring in dance groups or musicians from other countries/cultures. Let’s deal with the enrichment side of multi-culturalism. The curriculum should be balanced in what is taught. Don’t leave out Native Americans and how we treated them. The committee needs to monitor the whole school. With demographics changing so rapidly, you need to have these standing committees in place and looking at issues constantly. And kids will feel better if they know a school has a committee that deals directly with these issues.

Another suggestion is that if schools have an organization that is for one specific group, such as a Black health organization, it is open to anyone interested in Black health, and is not just for Blacks. That’s how you teach cultural competence — not being afraid of each other but learning from each other.

BS: Do you have any views on how parents should approach the use of the “N-word” in certain music lyrics?

Dr. Poussaint: Kids pick up stuff from television, movies, and videos. They see the adults doing it, and they figure that since adults know what they are doing, it must be ok. So when kids hear the “N” word used constantly in videos, the kids think it’s OK. I think it’s unacceptable. That word is a negative word that you cannot make positive. The term is derogatory and says you’re no good. You cannot spin it in a good way. You cannot erase the negativity. And what about the white kids who hear it? They think it’s acceptable because they hear Blacks use the “N” word all the time, so it must be okay. But when white kids use the “N” word, it comes across as prejudice.

Parents should definitely take the position that the “N” word is unacceptable. They should tell their kids that they are not to use such language and they should not accept such language. The “N” word also demeans the relationship between the sexes. If they are willing to accept the “N” word, then they are more likely to accept “bitches” and “ho’s.” When the rappers are using the words “bitches” and “ho’s,” ask yourself, what does that say about how they think of women? What does that say about you and how you think of yourself? Do you feel you should be with guys who call you those kinds of names? Do you want to be dominated? Do you think that makes you authentically Black?

If blacks, whites, all kids say “I’m not going to buy this kind of music,” then maybe some of the rappers will start to pay attention.

Dr. Alvin Poussaint, now retired, was a Professor of Psychiatry and Faculty Associate Dean for Student Affairs at Harvard Medical School in Boston, Mass. Dr. Poussaint is a nationally recognized expert on race relations in America, the dynamics of prejudice, and issues of diversity. He has written many books (for example, Lay My Burden Down: Suicide and the Mental Health Crisis Among African Americans (with Amy Alexander) ; Come on People: On the Path from Victims to Victors (with Bill Cosby); and Raising Black Children (with Dr. James Comer)) and hundreds of articles, and is the recipient of numerous awards and honorary degrees. 

The Contract allows you and your child to agree on rewards for following the Contract principles and consequences for not doing so.

This gives you the chance to have a heart to heart discussion about school and studying and to reinforce your expectations that learning takes even more than going to school and doing homework. It also takes a lot of additional hard work to really know and master a subject. There may even be some “teachable moments” in just having the discussion about what the child “deserves” for success and how hard the child needs to work both at school and home. It’s a good idea to revisit the Contract at least every report card period to see what is working and what is not. You should make your own changes and adjustments to the Contract to fit your child’s situation.

The Contract was created by a nonprofit organization that focused on improving parental engagement and bridging the achievement gap between Black students and their peers. Although the organization no longer exists, the Contract is a good way to get the school year off to a strong start.

Sustained parental commitment to set high expectations, instill success-oriented habits of mind, and establish the conditions for School success can contribute to their child’s academic achievement. It’s time to make sure that all of our children are prepared to be academically successful and ready to compete.

Attend classes (whether remote or in-person)
Students who miss too many classes end up doing poorly, withdrawing, or requiring significant help in the form of one-on-one meetings or tutoring in order to catch up. Overall, evidence suggests regular attendance matters.

INCENTIVES:

CONSEQUENCES:

Master what you learn
Students who “practice” what they’ve learned in the classroom by studying alone or with others have improved mastery and increased knowledge. Successful practice may lead to success in test taking which can lead to improved self-confidence, and improved test-taking ability more generally.

INCENTIVES:

CONSEQUENCES:

Effort is key
Thomas Edison once said, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Persistence, tenacity and dedication are behaviors exhibited by successful people. Succeeding in school is no different.

INCENTIVES:

CONSEQUENCES:

Behave as though you believe you can achieve
Jesse Jackson often says, “It’s your attitude and not your aptitude that determines your altitude.” You make the difference between your success and failure. Make no excuses.

INCENTIVES:

CONSEQUENCES:

Do your best
Set high expectations, realistic goals and work your plan. Keep raising your sights and never give up.

INCENTIVES:

CONSEQUENCES:

Student
I promise to abide by the contract outlined above. If I meet the terms of this contract, not only will I create positive options and choices for myself, in addition my family will recognize my behavior and performance as we have agreed. If I break any part of this contract, I will accept the consequences as we have agreed. I understand this is an evolving contract and promise to make myself available to discuss these rules and their consequences when necessary.

Signature of Student & Date

Parent/Guardian
I promise to do all I can to help my child succeed in meeting the terms of this contract. I promise to encourage my child to persist, when giving up may be the easier thing to do. I promise to inspire my child to believe that he or she can expand his or her intellect and achieve anything with consistent, dedicated effort. I promise to acknowledge in small and big ways the effort my child undertakes to succeed in school. I understand this is an evolving contract and promise to make myself available to discuss these terms, their consequences and incentives when necessary.

Signature of Parent(s)/Guardian(s) & Date